By Jill Scheyk

I live in Ward 11. With no incumbent, Ward 11 is crowded like Palace Buffet after church lets out.

For what seems to be a hotly contested seat, no one has been banging down my door to win me over. Which is a shame, because if you pay attention to my Twitter conversations you would know my vote counts more than other votes. That’s just science.

This woeful state of affairs forced me to do my own research, scoping out some candidate websites and asking my laptop screen the tough questions. Since the candidate photos were curiously unable to speak, I’ve had to make up their responses myself.

So I present to you the candidates, if their websites could talk:

Contender #1: Shane Bergdahl

In his campaign photo, Shane stares into the middle distance like a cheetah poised to attack. His usage of bold Times New Roman is at once playful and reminiscent of a school newsletter written by mean nuns. I can tell at once he has many dimensions.

Jill: So, Mr. Bergdahl, what would you say your top three issues are in this election?

S.B.: Well Jill, I will give you FOUR. Number one, transit. No brainer, people like LRT. DONE. Number two, seniors. We are mission critical on knitting classes right now. DONE. Number three, schools. Stop closin’ ‘em. DONE. Number four, community policing. That’s just sense. DONE.

Jill: I appreciate your enthusiasm. Anything else to add?

S.B.: Do you want to hear my four key issues again?

Jill: ….Not really, no.

S.B.: DONE.

Contender #2: Kerry Diotte

Kerry makes intense eye contact with me as I load his site. Presumably this is the same icy stare cast on politicians to get to the bottom of those tough stories. Stare too long and you may be mesmerized.

K.D.: Excellent, glad to be here, I’m a watchdog. Always watching, until I blow my whistle. Then I’m the whistleblower. But then I cut through red tape; I’m a tape-cutting machine.

Jill: You mean scissors?

K.D.: Will you vote on election day, Monday October 18?

Jill: Um, yes.

K.D.: That is good, my poll indicates that 80.8% of respondents agree. As a veteran journalist, I am really good at polls.

Jill: Mr. Diotte, where do you stand on the City Centre Airport closure?

K.D.: Well, when I went door-knocking people were angry. When you’re a longtime reporter like me, you know something about getting angry. I even wrote some columns about being angry, you may remember. In the Sun. So I think we should have a vote. Every vote counts, especially when you’re a hardworking columnist like I am.

Jill: Wait, what?

Contender #3: Vishal Luthra

Fashion show! Vishal’s dashing campaign photo features him in several handsome outfits, including police officer, farmer and guy-holding-a-bag ensembles. The last in this series (Did I mention this pictures are coming closer to the screen with every costume change? SWOON.) features Vishal wearing a dark suit and shiny white tie.

Jill: Hello Mr. Luthra, how are you?

V.L.: Link. Video photos SLIDESHOW buttons buttons linkity link.

Jill: Oh holy shit. That’s a lot you have going on there.

V.L.: Follow me on TWITTER, YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK! Listen to my radio ad!

Jill: I’m dizzy. Is that a button for pet photos? What’s your platform?

V.L.: It’s something about housing and transparent government. Also, I will solve the homeless. Submit your pet photos!

Jill: (no response, unconscious)

Contender #4: Roberto Magalang

Roberto doesn’t have a website, so I imagine him as a giant, walking question mark. Sorry, Roberto.

Contender #5: Chinwe Okelu

Imagine your grandpa. Now multiply your grandpa by six times the root of awesome. Now you have Chinwe Okelu. His website is a soothing bath of happiness after a sound eye-stabbing from Vishal Luthra.

Jill: Mr. Okelu, what do you stand for?

C.O.: Besides happiness and light? I am in favour of more thorough public consultation, a stand-alone public library for Mill Woods, lower property taxes and residential infill, to name a few.

Jill: Your smile is dazzling. Also, you are super-involved in the community.

C.O.: Both of these things are true. Vote for me. You cannot resist the siren call of my glorious teeth.

And finally, Contender #6: Brent Schaffrick

As I enter, the website is dark and shadowy. But there’s a glint in the darkness – is that a bald head? Yes, it’s Brent Schaffrick, hiding in the shadows of his campaign photo. Happy Halloween, kids!

Jill: Mr. Schaffrick, if you could pick only three emotions to experience for the rest of your life, what would they be?

B.S.: Displeased, upset and disagreeing.

Jill: Disagreeing isn’t really an emotion.

B.S.: I am upset with your decision not to define disagreeing as an emotion. I disagree.

Jill: So, what things do you actually like?

B.S.: I like True Democracy, the Wisdom of Crowds, Cameras, and Random Capitalization. I also like metaphors – the airport situation is just like Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Jill: Yeah, we’re done here.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re running for public office you should probably have a decent website. Also, vote for Chinwe Okelu, because his smile is like rainbows.